I am a firm believer that cookie consumption is directly correlated with happiness. As such, I have had cookies all over the country, and consider myself an expert. This list is a public service, so that no one will ever waste precious calories on a mediocre cookie.

The greatest cookies in America are as follows:

1. Fudge Brownie Chip – Cafe Solterra – Jekyll Island Club Hotel in Glynn County, Georgia
2. Chocolate Chip – Levain Bakery – New York, New York
3. Double Chocolate Chip – Meeting Street Cafe – Providence, Rhode Island
4. Peanut Butter Chocolate Chip – Woodstar Cafe – Hadley, Massachusetts
5. Amish Chocolate Chip – Javalina – Silver City, New Mexico
6. Cowboy Cookie – Handlebar Coffee – Santa Barbara, California
7. Chocolate Chip – Sweet Salt – Burbank, California
8. Chocolate Chip – Kumquat Mae Café – Watkinsville, Georgia
9. Chocolate Truffle – Alcove, Los Feliz, California
10. Chocolate Chip – Mama’s Kitchen – Palomar, California

Please note that a proper cookie is always fresh (or lightly toasted to desired meltiness), and enjoyed with a glass of cold milk. And don’t get me started on “milk is bad for you,” or “humans are the only animal that consumes another animal’s milk.” We’re also the only animal that drives cars and does math. Milk is fine.

I do accept submissions via mail. For consideration on the list, it must be from a bakery and available to consumers. That’s not to say I won’t appreciate it if you send me a batch that your wife made. Use the contact link to find out where I am. If I test positive from your cookie, I will hunt you down and kill you.